Southwest Airlines rocked my world this week

As I’ve mentioned before, flying is one of the times I am most anxious about the physical space I occupy.  I have read so many horror stories about fat people being kicked off planes, that I keep waiting for it to happen to me one of these days.  As a matter of fact, 2 years ago, when I first started going to therapy, a woman died because she couldn’t get back to her doctor after being kicked off a plane, because there was an apparent shortage of seatbelt extensions.  Somehow I got caught up in internet comments about it and it sent me into quite the tailspin, but that’s a story for another day.

When I have to travel for work, I go out of my way to get a flight with plenty of empty seats.  I try to drive when I can, but 8 hours on the road in each direction is my limit.  I also like to fly Southwest Airlines, because you pick your own seat and if I get an early enough boarding position, anybody who ends up sitting next to me made that choice.  Sometimes all that diligence works out and sometimes I end up stuffed in a seat next to someone who is not thrilled to share his/her shoulder space with me.  When that happens I spend the couple of flight hours twisted into the tightest knot I can manage, to avoid touching/reminding the person that they are stuck next to the fatty.

So on Monday I had a SWA flight booked and as I normally do, I checked in at the counter to see if the flight was full.  The lady told me it was a completely full flight, so I paid the $40 to upgrade to priority boarding, so at least I’d be sure to get an aisle seat (that way I can lean out, window seats you have no where to go and middle seats you’ve got two unhappy neighbors).

I sat down to wait for the boarding announcements and get lined up, when the boarding agent, a big and tall guy named John, walked over to me and asked if I had just paid for an upgrade.  I told him I had and he said I needed to go back to the ticket agent to have her fix my ticket.  I didn’t know what the point of that was.  She had stapled my upgraded boarding number to my previous boarding pass, so I figured maybe that needed to be different.  When I got back to the ticket desk, the lady said she was refunding my upgrade fee and giving me another seat.  She didn’t really explain what she was doing, but when she handed my papers back to me she told me to pre-board and handed me this slip (image below) to put on the seat next to me.  The covered area includes my name, flight number and date and says it is not valid beyond the day of the flight.

20140602-140144-50504399.jpg

I had recently read something about Southwest’s Person of Size Policy, (sometimes called Customer of Size or Passenger of Size) but because I have to book travel through my company’s travel and expense website, I couldn’t book a second seat and since the agent had told me the flight was full, I didn’t ask about this mythical policy.  I couldn’t quite believe the agents had gone to this length on a packed flight and I felt very awkward, like I was cutting in line, when it was actually time to board.  The flight attendant immediately gave me the seatbelt extension I needed and the whole thing went off like it was the MOST NATURAL thing in the world.

Later that day, I discovered when I went to check in 24 hours before my flight back home that they had booked me for an extra seat for that trip as well, which meant I couldn’t check in online.  I didn’t know this was going to happen, and since getting an early boarding position is critical for my usual SWA seating strategy, it stressed me out.  I called the number and they told me I had to go to the ticket counter to get my boarding pass, since I had two seats.  When I got to the counter, the agent told me to go ahead and use the self serve screen.  I quickly explained I couldn’t because of the extra seat and before I got half those words out he said “I got you,” hit a few keys and handed me my boarding pass and reserved pass (for the other seat).  I was in awe at how thoroughly everyone was trained in regards to this newish policy.  I work for a large company and know how elusive policy details and training can be.

Once again, the flight was completely full, except for that extra seat of mine, and I got nervous as the last few people looked for seats, because you couldn’t see the reserved pass until you specifically targeted the empty seat.  But the flight attendants helped people find seats and when pointing to empty spots said “that one’s reserved.”  Once again, like it was just the most common thing that ever happened.

One the one hand, I felt like it went a little too far in the “special treatment” direction.  I was just glad not to be insulted or made to feel uncomfortable, so having everyone go out of their way was definitely new for me.  But I also recognize that those extra “comforts,” like pre-boarding, avoid issues later, for example, if there are not two empty seats left next to each other and they have to ask people to move.  I had to remind myself a few times that this was not a special accommodation for me personally, it is their policy, because it’s the right thing to do for their business.  And once the surprise and newness of the process wore off, I felt nothing but deep gratitude for John, the gate agent, because I might have never mustered the nerve to request this “benefit” and for Southwest Airlines, because I never thought I would be able to describe the treatment I received ‘flying while fat’ as dignified.  Unfortunately, SWA doesn’t always fly to or from where I need them to, but I will definitely choose them whenever I can and hope that other airlines will follow their lead some day.

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Scarcity and the unintended consequences of “not enough”

My family was a long way from wealthy, but in the grand scheme of things, and in comparison to people who have it much worse, our basic needs were generally met.  We always had a home, clothes, food (well, the food was THERE, whether I was allowed to eat it or not, depending on whatever diet my well meaning mother had put me on, is another story), hot water, electricity, you know, the basics.  I suspect my parents, based in no small part on what they got from their parents, thought they were giving us everything we needed.  According to Maslow’s Hierarchy, they definitely had Physical Needs and Safety covered, but when it came to Love & Belonging, Esteem and Self-Actualization, there was never enough.

maslow's hierarchy2

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’ve come to accept that my parents did the best they knew how.  They did as much as they had the emotional  capacity to do.  They probably gave as much of those last three categories as had been given to them.  Whether I “blame” my parents or not, the bottom line is that my own emotional blueprint was developed in an environment of scarcity.

This post is not intended to be about my parents, or about whether they really didn’t love me, or believe in me, or approve of me, or if they were simply not able to make little me believe that they did.  This is about the fact that I spent the first 30ish years of my life believing that I was not enough.  Not good enough to earn their love.  Not thin enough to deserve their pride or encouragement.  Not smart/accomplished enough to gain their approval.  Never enough.

I came to believe that love/acceptance/encouragement were finite resources.  Scarce.   Something I not only had to earn, but something I had to compete for (I was actually able to get to the source of the competition issue many years later, when my father announced he is gay and I discovered that my mother believed I, as the only daughter, had been usurping the attention/affection she should have been receiving from him).  And every time I didn’t “win” this precious resource, I felt a deep sense of loss.  A missed opportunity.  My own fault, of course, because I wasn’t enough.  I didn’t earn it.  I didn’t deserve it.

Over the years, this scarcity and feeling of loss ingrained itself into many facets of my life.  It became an ever present fact of life.  A fact that had proven itself many times over.  A truth I learned not to challenge, that resulted in a deep *DEEP* emptiness.  I turned to food, to fill the void, to numb the feelings.  And self sabotage, to prove that they were right about me.  I became a self fulfilling prophecy.  I made it impossible for anyone to see my greatness through the layer of fat and smartassery.

This new awareness, these realizations and connections were the outcome of a conversation I had with an acquaintance a few days ago.  I was catching up with someone I knew from high school (God bless Facebook) and we were talking about her industry and how she keeps up with rapid fire message boards and ever changing information, because I always seem to be scrambling and struggling to get to all of it.  Her response basically blew my mind, so I’m paraphrasing (because my blown mind did not have the wherewithal to write it down).  She said something to the effect of:

I actually don’t consume that much [information].  You are looking at these boards from a position of scarcity or loss.  The information will be there if you need it.  In the meantime, don’t worry so much about keeping up with what’s out there and spend more time creating what you want.

I’m not sure I can do the exact statement justice, but the part that blew my mind is that even though she doesn’t know me that well, she completely nailed that I have always approached everything from a position of loss and scarcity.  EVERYTHING!  I consume more food than I need for physical fullness, because I learned that I might not feed myself again the next time I’m hungry (common recovering dieter’s dilemma).  I hoard clothes, because, you know, limited resources.  I cling to digital files, 5 copies of the same digital picture, because something might be slightly different.  I am too accommodating with friends and co-workers (work friends), because I am always afraid I will lose them, if I push back.  I read ever single word in a story, every single status update on Facebook, I had to give up twitter, because there were too many posts to read them ALL and I couldn’t shake the feeling I was missing something if I didn’t.  I watch every single episode of a show I’ve started, even if I’ve decided I don’t really enjoy it, or there are other things I want to, or feel I should be doing.  I consume every. single. thing., because of this constant fear that there is not enough, or that I will miss out on something important, or that it will suddenly all be taken away.

This new revelation is an awesome opportunity to re-frame.  First of all, I am enough.

I. AM. E-fucking-NOUGH!  There is not a single thing I need to do, to prove this.  It is simply a fact.

Secondly, love, success, gratitude, encouragement, grace, generosity, kindness, humility, radiance, acceptance, [insert long list of applicable nouns], these are not limited resources.  A candle is not diminished by lighting another candle.  “Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  Happiness [or any of the aforementioned nouns] never decreases from being shared.”  Take that to the bank.candles

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The Shift: Being Stuck to Taking Action

It feels like it has been forever since my last post.  I’ve thought about writing plenty of times and I have lots to say, but somehow I could never seem to find the time…  it just kept passing me by.

My job is pretty demanding and I don’t really love it that much these days.  I used to love it.  A lot.  But I find myself wanting to do it less and less each day.  Most of the time I work independently, with nobody watching over my shoulder, so it doesn’t really get noticed when I’m not actually working, except for the fact that my work is not getting done.  So I have to force myself to keep at it, white knuckling, and have started bargaining with myself about distractions.  I say to myself “I want to write a blog post”and then I determine that I MUST finish the task I have been working on, or more accurately been avoiding, and THEN I can write a blog post.  The bargaining chip varies.  Sometimes it’s eating lunch.  Sometimes it’s taking a break, or a walk, or some other form of self care.

When I bargain with myself one of the following happens:

  1. I do the task I have to do and then no longer feel like doing the one I wanted, or
  2. I don’t do the task and subsequently don’t allow myself the reward

I notice that this is the same tactic I use in other areas of my life.  WHEN I complete the task/overcome the obstacle (lose weight, get organized, be perfect), THEN I can love myself, be seen, do what would make me happy, etc.

The problem is that this is clearly a Catch 22.  I have to love myself, go confidently into the world, be happy, in order to complete these tasks/overcome these challenges, but I don’t allow myself the satisfaction of self acceptance, love, happiness UNTIL I have become better.  Chicken.  Egg.  Impossible situation.  One of them has to come first.  I don’t want to waste any more time not being happy/satisfied/accepted by me, but I have not yet overcome the distortion that I first need to prove my worth, or that I have earned it.

And while I work on sorting this out, time passes anyway.  No matter how hard I wish and pray for it to stop, I keep losing days/weeks/months, because time stops for no one.  Until now, I have pretended not to notice.  If I don’t acknowledge the passing of time, it must not really be passing.  If I pretend there is no time, life is not happening, time is not passing anyway, then I don’t have to acknowledge my stuckness.  If I don’t experience life, here and now, then I’m not really missing anything.  So, I numb myself with food.  I escape into TV series.  I “work” (or sit at my desk and act like I am, while nothing gets done).  Time progresses, but I don’t progress with it.  This happens all the time.  I look up from my distractions and realize that another month has passed.  **Raises fist to the sky and screams “TIIIIMMMMEEEEEE”**

But I am at a point in my recovery that I can’t keep pretending I don’t see the hole, so I am choosing action.  I gave myself a break last week.  A vacation from the constant reminders that I don’t feel like I am enough.  I gave myself a technology time out.  I took a trip alone without a computer or cell phone, or any other convenience item that could distract me from my thoughts and feelings in the moment.  Have you seen the video of Louis CK on Conan from last year?  If you have not, it’s linked and posted below.  He’s trying to be funny about it, but what he is saying about our inability to just be and feel sadness is actually extremely profound and I feel that in my own life.  I recognize that I use avoidance tactics (phone/computer, TV, food, etc) to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

I took the technology hiatus to re-introduce myself to the feeling of processing my thoughts, instead of pushing them aside for later.  In those 24 hours of relative silence and journaling, I decided to working on shifting my life to action.   You cannot find peace/happiness/satisfaction by avoiding life, so I am going to take as many baby steps as needed until I find them and then forever after that.

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The baby and the bathwater

When I started working on this post we were approaching a very special time of year: resolution time.  There’s something about the end of one calendar year and the beginning of another that makes us feel like we have an opportunity at a fresh start.  Cracking open a new calendar or day planner, with it’s perfectly designed, fresh, clean pages, is as magical as putting the first footstep in perfect, peaceful, crisp, fresh snow.  The possibilities seem endless.

I’ve always been a big fan of new beginnings.  Well… maybe “fan” is not quite the right word.  I have taken advantage of the concept a number of times in my life, but as it turns out, my decisions have been driven by distortions (this might not be a shocking revelation for some of you).  The distorted perfectionist in me doesn’t believe “fixing” things is possible.  It’s either right, or it’s wrong.  It’s either perfect, or it’s not.  The only way to move on from unforgivable, unforgettable mistakes is a clean break and a fresh start.   Beginnings follow endings.

A good example of this distortion is the way things ended with my former best friend.  The relationship had become pretty toxic for me and I was at a point in my recovery that I needed to stand up for myself.  But rather than trying to improve the situation, communicate my needs, and believe the toxicity could be resolved, I decided a clean break was needed.  I loved her like a sister and regret that we will probably never see or hear from each other again, but unfortunately there was no middle ground for me at this time in my life and the baby went out with the bathwater.

Melody, this is an example of "throwing the baby out with the bathwater"

Another more drastic example of my obsession with clean breaks was my decision to leave home at 16 and move to another country/continent 4000 miles away.  I couldn’t deal with the way things were going and in lieu of my ability to go back to age 5 and grow up making better  different choices, I felt a fresh start was the only way.  So, I moved to a new place, surrounded by new people, where I thought my old choices wouldn’t haunt me.

Of course the problem with this method is that the process doesn’t include figuring out HOW to make better choices, or live a happier life.  So I basically ended up in a new place, around new people, with endless possibilities, living the same *miserable* life.  Turns out, walking running away and starting over in a new place is the easy part.  Letting go of the distortions that make me unhappy… well here I still am, a dozen years later, trying to crack that nut.

As years in review go, 2013 was a tough one for me.  I struggled for a lot of reasons–emotionally, physically, professionally, financially–it’s true what they say: when it rains it pours.  At some point in the year I had become obsessed with figuring out how to get away.  Physically.  From this place.  Because, in spite of my past experience, I still figured my problems wouldn’t/couldn’t follow me to a new geography.

Fortunately, my plans were shot down by *the powers that be* and since distracting myself from my problems by moving again was not going to be an option, I had to finally face them head on.  I finally had to accept that if I keep running away from my mistakes and disappointments, history is going to keep repeating itself.  I can’t keep starting over from scratch.  I need to push through the discomfort, learn how to resolve my issues/thoughts/feelings, and move forward.

Two months ago, that sounded good in theory, but I just couldn’t seem to put that theory into practice.  Actually, scratch that.  It was a good theory, but it didn’t SOUND good… to ME.  I couldn’t see the progress I had already made, the relationships I had developed, the foundation I had already built that would have to be started over.  But in the absence of a backup plan, I kept showing up for the process.  I kept listening.  I kept learning.  I don’t know at what point the awareness materialized in my brain, but I “gradually, then suddenly” realized that there is nothing wrong with the baby, the bathwater just needed changing.

five martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about the babies and the bathwater

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Out of the darkness, light and gratitude.

This winter was tough for me.  I’ll tell you all about that a little later, but for now I just wanted to get a quick post up to let you know that I’m back! I am better.

The only way I can think to describe the cloud over my heart these last few months is soul crushing despair.  I’ve struggled with depression before, but never to such an intense degree.  It’s difficult to describe to someone who has not experienced it; suffice it to say I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

But there is a silver lining.  As the darkness started to lift, I noticed two things.  New things.

(1) I started to feel a new lightness in my heart.  The feeling that if I was able to get through this experience, I would be able to get through anything.  The perspective that no matter how bad I was feeling, it paled in comparison; a few stormy days with moments of sadness or pain do not mean the sunshine will never come again.

Don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. I need to remember this especially for today...

(2) Clinton Kelly (from What Not to Wear) recently said: A solid core of happiness, I believe, comes from expressing love to those who deserve it and accepting love from others because you know you deserve it.   

I have the great fortune of being surrounded by extraordinary people who believe I deserve their love, care and grace.  For the first time in my life, I have been able to see myself through their eyes, feeling their loving acceptance, rather than my own hurtful judgement.  Believing for the first time that maybe I DO deserve it (the love, that is).

Connecting instead of isolating, receiving support and encouragement instead of settling deeper into my sadness, and the sneaking suspicion these wonderful, smart people couldn’t ALL be wrong about me probably saved my life.  They kept me from giving up.   They walked with me, putting one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time through the muck, towards a core of happiness, until I finally got better.

So this gorgeous performance of this beautiful song is dedicated to them.  Thank you for not giving up on me when the darkness inside me was making me feel discouraged and small.  Thank you for helping me see beauty and humor, when I didn’t feel like laughing.  Thank you for being there for me, when I felt like I had taken all I could bear.  And most importantly, thank you for loving me for my True Colors and teaching me that they are beautiful and it is OK to embrace them.  Love you guys!

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Getting worse before getting better

Learning and accepting that I have an eating disorder has been a double edged sword for me.  On the one hand it has allowed me to stop blaming myself… most of the time anyway.  As I listen to other people’s stories, I realize they are the same as mine.  Even the girls I’ve met who struggle with Anorexia or Bulimia.  The details and situations may be different, but the thoughts, feelings and outcomes are very similar, which makes it much more difficult to get caught up in the “why me” of having a weight problem.

On the other hand, I have also started “giving-in” to the compulsion in a way I never have before.  In the middle of a binge, especially in public, instead of fighting myself tooth and nail to stop before anybody notices, I give myself permission, because you can’t blame a girl with a disorder for which she is not responsible (I’ve argued this point of responsibility with myself plenty of times, but I’m currently in the camp of ED being the hand I was dealt).

To quote Curvy Yogi paraphrasing Geneen Roth, there are restrictors and permitters:

Someone says to you, “Don’t eat that cookie, you will get fat.”

Restrictors say, “Yes. YES! RIGHT! I will not only not eat THAT cookie, I will not eat ANY cookie ever until the end of time. And for that matter I will never eat sugar or butter or flour or anything that makes up that cookie. Better yet I will only eat food diametrically opposed to the cookie. Lettuce. I will eat lettuce.”

Permitters say, “Don’t you dare fucking tell me what to eat. Don’t eat that cookie you say? Watch me. Not only will I eat that cookie, I will eat every cookie I ever see until there is not a single cookie left on the planet. Oh, and fuck you.”

So, yea.  I’m eating that cookie.  Defiantly.  Permittedly.  That last one might not be a word, but you catch my drift.  Maybe bringing my compulsion out of hiding is not the worst thing that ever happened, except that one method has not REPLACED the other… it merely supplements the secret binges when I can’t be alone.  And when you combine the two behaviors, I’m definitely feeling like I am doing a little worse with my recovery than I had been BEFORE I went all public permission on my disordered eating.

I talked about this a little bit in aftercare and the counselor asked what I thought the next step was.  It’s hard to say, because on the one hand, I feel like not beating myself up for “bad behavior” is a good thing, but on the other hand, I’m feeling more out of control with the food.  I guess the next step is caring about myself, my life and my health enough to make better choices in a loving/caring/accepting way, rather than stopping my actions through criticism and judgement.

As frustrating as this stage of recovery is, I have often been told that “it’s always darkest before dawn.”  Maybe these are my days in hell before resurrection.  Here’s hoping.

after the darkness light

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The dark hole of depression

The last month and a half have been pretty rough for me.  I’ve never really been that affected by winter weather/dreariness, but I’ve really been feeling the deep, dark hole lately.  My therapist (CZ) and fellow recovering girls tell me depression and anxiety are caused by a chemical imbalance that can’t just be willpowered away, but given my “suck it up” upbringing and need to control, well, everything, that doesn’t really make me feel better.  That said, after MUCH resistance, and a handful of truly miserable weeks, I finally decided to see a doctor to help with the brain chemicals.

I’ve been warned that it takes some time for these kinds of medications, so in the meantime I kept talking to CZ about how I think I should be able to conquer my feelings on my own and how getting stuck in my disordered behaviors adds to the frustration and other negative feeligns.  She gave me the following “Autobiography” and told me that it takes time to unravel thoughts and feelings that have had 30+ years to develop.

 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

I’m probably somewhere between chapters II and III.  Between pretending I don’t see the hole and falling in out of habit.  Between not knowing how I ended up here and blaming myself.  Thankfully, while trying to rationalize my thoughts/feelings, the universe dropped the animation below into my lap and it really spoke to me.

I’ve always been one to “silverlining” things and try to point out the upside.  I guess I figured pointing out the positives would have to make me/other people feel better.  But as it turns out, pointing out positives does little to correct a chemical imbalance or disordered/distorted feelings about a long-standing behavior.  In fact, I have found that it only makes me feel worse about the fact that I’m in this hole to begin with.  “You have so much to be happy about” is a really hard thing to hear, when I’m struggling to simply make it through the day; like I should be able to just turn that frown upside down.  “Think of all the people who have it worse” does not make me feel better for me OR them; it merely makes me believe that I have no right to feel the way I do.  This new perspective might still not make me feel better, but it helps me be a little more accepting and empathetic of myself.  It encourages me to try to understand myself, rather than to push myself into changing the way I feel.

 

If you have some time, and haven’t already seen it, this is a very worthwhile (and entertaining) read on the subject of depression.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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Food: “Addiction” or not?

I’ve been poking around this topic, working on this post, since it came up in group several months ago, but never could quite figure out what to say.  Then about 2 weeks ago I heard this story on NPR about comedian Jamie Kilstein, who realized within a week of admitting to being an alcoholic that he also has an eating disorder.  The NPR story was based on this fantastic piece Jamie wrote for Jezebel.com: “I’m an Alcoholic Dude With an Eating Disorder. Hi.”

As someone who is battling Compulsive Overeating and Binge Eating Disorder, I identify with just about everything Jamie said.  I eat to avoid feelings.  To numb myself.  I use food the way many others use alcohol.  Other people’s leftovers? Yep.  Feel like I just need better willpower? Check.

“You feel alone. You feel hungry. You feel like your problems aren’t real, so you don’t fix them. Then, you feel full. Like, so fucking full. Then you hate yourself. Then you hate yourself for hating yourself. Then you eat. Then you feel sick. Like, so fucking sick. Then you start planning your next healthy meal to make up for the sickness. Then you think, well I already fucked up today, how about one last huge meal? Actually, it’s Friday. One more huge weekend! Like, so fucking huge. Then Monday happens. Ready to get back on track, but now you have a headache from sugar withdrawal. It’s like Trainspotting, but with carbs. You feel dumb again. Like, so fucking dumb.

This is your life.”

Check, check and CHECK.

There’s just one thing the several hundred commenters and I can’t seem to agree on: whether or not food can be an “addiction”?  Side note: I don’t know what it is with me and comments on the internet, but I’ve lost hours upon hours of my life worrying about what some anonymous stranger thinks about what some other anonymous stranger wrote.  JN would say “that’s something to be curious about.”  Maybe I will one day, but I digress…

I think part of the problem with the terminology is that addiction is traditionally associated with substances that create a physical dependence, such as nicotine, or drugs and alcohol.  However, some process addictions, such as shopping or sex, are also widely accepted as “legitimate,” which makes the argument about food a little more surprising.

Here are just three of the discussions that ensued in the comments section.live to eat semantics powerless

I’m conflicted, myself.  On the one hand, the definition of addict is: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively.  If that doesn’t fit the bill for what we do with food, I don’t know what does.

On the other hand, the (insert addiction) Anonymous crowd, teaches that you are powerless against your addiction and need to abstain (in this case just from specific foods like sugar, carbs and fat), because this monster inside of you will lure you back in at the first sign of weakness.  I have an issue with this, because (1) as one of the commenters states above, it allows you to consider yourself a victim, and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy/mantra (2) I believe the eating disorder is a symptom of something bigger going on inside and most importantly (3) I refuse to believe I can never be trusted to make positive decisions for myself, ever.  That I am going to have to fight with the demons inside for the rest of my life and that I will never find peace.  That would not be recovery; it would be hell.

Even though the definition of addict and addiction really fits the bill for eating disorders, I, and many other people out there, find it hard to consider food an addictive substance.  After all, you can’t ever totally abstain from food.  You NEED food to LIVE.  It’s like being allergic to water.  You’ll either die from dehydration (if you abstain), or you’ll die from the allergic reaction (if you don’t).

Additionally, based on what I learned about habits in Charles Duhigg’s book Power of Habit, rewarding repetitive behavior, or repeating behavior that is in and of itself rewarding in some way, eventually leads to craving that behavior, because the brain begins to associate reward/pleasure with doing activity.  I’ve been using this behavior with food as a coping mechanism for 25 years.  It is no surprise that I have come to crave it, but that does NOT mean the craving is the result of physical dependency.

Abstaining from trigger foods will work just as well as going on any other restrictive diet.  And if you are anything like me, telling yourself you may never touch sugar again will increase the likelihood of submerging yourself in a vat of candy by about a million percent.  Maybe you are not like me, but I, for one am just now starting to get to the bottom of WHY any kind of restriction sends me in the opposite direction of the one I intended.  I mean, you could tell me I am to never ever eat a brussel sprout again, I hate brussel sprouts, but rest assured, if they are forbidden, I will find a way to like them.

This is exactly my point about ED being a symptom.  I believe if I can get to the bottom of why I am fighting this epic battle of rebellion and work on that, if I can stop beating myself up and instead try to approach my feelings with compassion and understanding, if I can learn to love and accept myself and find comfort in places/activities/things/people other than food, I believe I can beat this “addiction” and live happily ever after, with occasional sugar, fat, carbs and EVERYTHING.

My friend Curvy Yogi also wrote an excellent post on the subject, which you can read here.

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Accidental Inheritance

As I mentioned last week, I had a pretty enlightening dinner with my mother.  It wasn’t enlightening because of anything in particular that she said, or I said.  It was enlightening because, for the first time in my life, I was able to let go of the outcome and approach the conversation from an entirely new awareness.  Although the conversation wasn’t about me, the themes felt very familiar.  But unlike ever before, I was able to separate myself from the immediate situation while simultaneously observing my own role in our familial dynamic.  I imagine this must be what an out of body experience feels like.

I’ve spent a lot of time blaming my mother for how I turned out.  The way I am has always either been because of her, or in spite of her (more about my incredibly well developed inner rebel coming very soon).  But as much as I’ve often felt like I had no power over how I turned out, I’ve never given her that same benefit, until recently.  The more I have been able to separate myself/my own self esteem from her issues, the more I have recognized that they also came from somewhere in her past.

It’s a very difficult thing to put into words, which is why I haven’t been able to finish more of the story to get it to a point of being able to share it with you.  So in the meantime I wanted to share this remarkable and impactful piece of poetry with you.  It’s one of those examples of the universe putting the messages I need to hear into my path.  So much of this poem speaks to me, but I don’t want to ruin the experience for you by beating the individual passages to death.  I will just say that it is so powerful to finally recognize that we are part of a vicious cycle, learning and then teaching the only “truth” we have ever known; the truth we accidentally inherited.  It’s time to stop the accidental cycle and teach the future generations with purpose and meaning.

 

Across from me at the kitchen table, my mother smiles over red wine that she drinks out of a measuring glass.
She says she doesn’t deprive herself,
but I’ve learned to find nuance in every movement of her fork.
In every crinkle in her brow as she offers me the uneaten pieces on her plate.
I’ve realized she only eats dinner when I suggest it.
I wonder what she does when I’m not there to do so.

Maybe this is why my house feels bigger each time I return; it’s proportional.
As she shrinks the space around her seems increasingly vast.
She wanes while my father waxes. His stomach has grown round with wine, late nights, oysters, poetry. A new girlfriend who was overweight as a teenager, but my dad reports that now she’s “crazy about fruit.”

It was the same with his parents;
as my grandmother became frail and angular her husband swelled to red round cheeks, rotund stomach
and I wonder if my lineage is one of women shrinking
making space for the entrance of men into their lives
not knowing how to fill it back up once they leave.

I have been taught accommodation.
My brother never thinks before he speaks.
I have been taught to filter.
“How can anyone have a relationship to food?” He asks, laughing, as I eat the black bean soup I chose for its lack of carbs.
I want to tell say: we come from difference, Jonas,
you have been taught to grow out
I have been taught to grow in
you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence, you used to lose your voice every other week from shouting so much
I learned to absorb
I took lessons from our mother in creating space around myself
I learned to read the knots in her forehead while the guys went out for oysters
and I never meant to replicate her, but
spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits

that’s why women in my family have been shrinking for decades.
We all learned it from each other, the way each generation taught the next how to knit
weaving silence in between the threads
which I can still feel as I walk through this ever-growing house,
skin itching,
picking up all the habits my mother has unwittingly dropped like bits of crumpled paper from her pocket on her countless trips from bedroom to kitchen to bedroom again,
Nights I hear her creep down to eat plain yogurt in the dark, a fugitive stealing calories to which she does not feel entitled.
Deciding how many bites is too many
How much space she deserves to occupy.

Watching the struggle I either mimic or hate her,
And I don’t want to do either anymore
but the burden of this house has followed me across the country
I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word “sorry.”
I don’t know the requirements for the sociology major because I spent the entire meeting deciding whether or not I could have another piece of pizza
a circular obsession I never wanted but

inheritance is accidental
still staring at me with wine-stained lips from across the kitchen table.

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Golden Rule, recovery style

A few days ago I sent the picture below to one of my fellow recovering girls, because she likes Owls (so let’s call her Wise Girl) and also because it’s true and we were just talking about it in group last week.

A great illustration of body hate. #BodyImage #freespo #edrecovery

JN, our favorite counselor, had brought up the Golden Rule, which Wise Girl fortunately also advised me is NOT an actual commandment.  I’m just saying, maybe if it WAS an actual commandment, the world would be a little better off… but I digress.  JN said instead of “treat others as you would like to be treated,” the new Golden Rule should say “treat yourself as you treat others.”  BOOM.

It seems pretty intuitive.  You treat others well, you want them to treat you well, but for some reason, you don’t think those rules apply to you when dealing with your SELF.  I’ve said horrible things to/about myself.  Things I would never say TO or ABOUT another living creature.  I’ve asked this before, but why is it that we are willing to give total strangers the benefit of the doubt and show them some basic courtesy and kindness, but we don’t offer ourselves as much?

So, Wise Girl and I agree that the way we talk to and about ourselves is unacceptable.  We agree that we need to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts (this reminds me, I MUST dedicate some time to filling you in on developing neuro-pathways in the brain in the next week or so).  We are all still learning, but we are committed to replacing our harmful behaviors with positive new ones, except…

Wise Girl also commented that, like above, she has called her eyes fat in the past.  I questioned how it is actually possible for eyes to be fat and she responded with a list of negative things about her face, to justify the comment, which flies directly in the face (pun not really intended, but once it was out there… what can I say) of what we were JUST talking about.  By the way, WG’s face is absolutely perfect.  It is so expressive.  A beautiful portal to her thoughts and feelings: concern, passion, mischief, happiness, sadness, empathy, I could go on and on.

The point is, that even with the heightened awareness we have gained in treatment, we have been defaulting to putting ourselves down for so many years, that it is hard to just switch it off.  As useless and burdensome it seems now, it served a purpose at one time.  It explained the inexplicable.  My flaws were the reason I couldn’t be loved.  So if I got too wrapped up in the whys and the injustice of it all, I just reminded myself that it was my own fault and in my own power to change.

So what we are going to do is cancel all future episodes of negative self talk and replace them with anything we would say to or about anybody else.  Let’s start with things we would say to ANYBODY, whether we like them or not.  And maybe, as we get better at it, we can fine tune that to saying things to ourselves that we would say to people we care about, or, GASP, love.  And just as a refresher, this golden rule is everywhere (see below), so it is obviously a BFD.

golden rules

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