Recovery is… gradually then suddenly

This post is going to be short, because it’s already late and there are other things I’m *supposed* to be doing, before I go to bed, but I wanted to make sure to capture and share this feeling I’m having before I forget how spectacular it is.

There’s a quote (shocking, I know), it was taking too long to confirm the source, but I think it was Hemingway, regarding bankruptcy “How did you go bankrupt? Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.”  Makes sense, right?  You spend the money little by little, until suddenly it’s all gone.  That’s kind of how I feel about recovery today.

You see, if you’ve been following along for a while, you know I’ve been working on my shit for a while.  I’ve had plenty of lows, and I’ve had some amazing insights, but through all the ups and downs, I never felt that close to *good* that close to *happy* to *content* to *possibilities*.  I just worked.  Hard.  Tiny step by tiny step.  Back slide by back slide.  Day by day.  Gradually.

I’ve been feeling pretty great for several weeks now, but I have also been waiting, constantly looking over my shoulder, for the distortions and negative thoughts and feelings to take over again.  Until today.  Today I tackled a task that would normally send me into anxiety and avoidance and despair and I handled it.  Almost effortlessly.  I barely even got worked up about it before hand.  I was just OK with it.  Suddenly.

Gradually, then suddenly, I FELT the change, the reward for all of the hard work I have been putting in.  I recognized and acknowledged that this feeling that’s been creeping in was not a fluke, or a coincidence, I EARNED IT.  Recovery is possible.  Happiness is possible.  When you are ready for it, and not a day sooner.  Gradually, then suddenly, this became my new life.

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