Today is the eleventy bajillionth “first day” of my journey. I’ve taken this first step so many times, I don’t even think I can put a real number on it.
Today. Right now. The key to EVERYTHING is staying here, being here, in this moment. Right in this moment, I can be confident, I can choose recovery. But it all falls apart when I let go of this moment and start thinking about the next moment, tomorrow, next week.
I don’t know if it’s the fear of failure, or the lack of confidence and faith in myself, or if I simply don’t love myself enough to make me and my recovery a priority… actually scratch that. I DO know. It’s the last one. What I don’t know is how I can convince myself that I matter. When this moment of peace and clarity passes and I fall back into my routines and habits and think that every. single. thing. matters more than I do.
It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t beat this eating disorder, if I don’t believe in myself, but I don’t know how to believe in myself, if I can’t even beat this eating disorder.
What I do know is that I have to do it. I can’t just try. It’s like Yoda says: “Do or do not. There is no try.” So in this moment, I’m choosing recovery. I know I will stumble and I know there will be relapses and I know I am going to have to KEEP choosing recovery in every. single. moment. And some day I’ll have the strength to say this out loud, without hiding behind an anonymous blog and maybe there will be a village to help me get through it.